CUTTING, (THE WONDERFUL REALITY OF SELF-MUTILATI♡N)
Do you cut yourself with knives, razor blades, broken glass, needles, nails, paper clips, pins, scissors, tacks, anything you can get your hands on?
Do you bang your head against walls?
Punch walls till your hand goes all bruised and bloody?
Do you throw yourself through panes of glass?
Do you ever set you hair and/or skin on fire?
Do you swallow batteries so they’ll open up inside you, burning your organs with battery acid?
Do you swallow broken glass, razor blades or needles?
Do you ever hit your self with blunt objects?
Do you punch yourself in the stomach, legs, head?
Do you try to break your own bones?
Expose your body to extreme weather conditions without wearing protective clothing so you’ll get frostbite or sunburn or chills and fevers?
Stare directly into the sun until it nearly blinds you?
Do you pull out your hair?
Bite or scratch yourself bloody?
Do you ever feel extremely anxious and / or numb to the world for periods of time until you hurt your body to break out of it, to feel alive, to feel anything at all?
Do you interfere with the healing of your wounds?
Do you wear turtlenecks and long sleeves to hide the evidence?
My name is Lauren and I have a problem with “Self-Mutilation”, also known in other terms as “Self-Harm” and what most people like to call it “Cutting”. Most people who know me really well, know that I do have a serious “Mental Illness” with “Self-Mutilation / Cutting” and always have, ever since I was 6 years old. (That Is still Including to this very day)
Most people think that when someone cuts themselves, that they are only doing it for the attention, Most kids do, (or at least have done It at some point or another In their life), but for myself, “I HAVE NEVER SELF-HARMED / CUTT / HURT MYSELF IN ANY KIND OF WAY, WHAT-SO-EVER FOR ANY KIND OF ATTENTION”.
I cut for the fact that I have come from a, well lets say not the best life but pretty much In a way mostly bad sort of life, that were most or well really anyone I know and also don’t know have never been through or gone through let alone even see or experienced the life I have had and grown up with having to be forced going through on a regular day to day.
I was not one of the lucky children who get to grow up talking with friends of what hospital I was born In and whatever, No…. I just so happened to be born behind a bar counter, due to that because of my fucking “Junkie, Alchoholic, Drug Dealing Mother”, did not want to fucking stop partying and Shooting up plus snorting shit up her nose and also leave her drinks behind. (Even tho, like fucking REALITY CHECK YOU FUCKING GOD DAMN FUCKING JUNKIE BITCH you so hella fucking should not have even be doing any of that shit plus let alone even be In a fucking bar when your fucking knocked-up, like fuck I would have thought that my mum would have know hella better since that I was going to be her 8th kid she was about to fucking pop out and having to go through dealing with all of my 6 brothers befor my twin brother and myself)
Anyways once I was born instead of milk (like what a new born baby should be getting fed) I was given booze not the best thing but like I said I did not come from a good life but when i was 20 months old I was put in foster care do to my mum and dad being too much of hella fucking junkies and hard drinkers plus also the fact of their Drug Dealer life styles.I lived in foster care till I was 4 years old. It was good, but the family that adopted me were nice people, but sadly over time and through out the years as I got older my “Mental Problems” came more realizing and it was hard to ignore them.
I got violent and very depressed when I was 6. I was in my play house cutting rubber with an exacto knife and I looked at my thumb and thought I wonder if this will hurt so I put the knife to my thumb and pressed it down and slid it across cutting my thumb open it felt so good and I loved it.
Cutting at 6 yes I know that’s weird but its something that I do now with my life.
The older I got I got more abused my adopted mum, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abused me and my adopted dad did the same but he mostly physically abused me.
I lived back and forth between them at there homes I got kicked out I ran away I started doing drugs and hanging out with the wrong kind of people and I still do hang out with the wrong kind of people but they’re my friends and I like having my friends around, but now I’m back in foster care, due to that my life was at risk, with the fact of me living with either one of my adopted parents.
I have had 3 serious boyfriends and they have all been assholes that have turned out to be hella fucking goofs to me.
My 1st boyfriend I dated for 4 years and then he ended up cheating on me with my best friend when I moved out to white rock but he was an ass, but I do like him as a friend but he hates me because I cheated on him lots but I was fucked in the head so I did not go out with him anymore.
My 2ed boyfriend I dated for a year and he beat me and was really controlling and I hate having a controlling boyfriend. (People like that are NOTHING to me) My 3rd boyfriend was pretty much the same.
I had to lie and cheat on my 2ed boyfriend just in order to get out of the abusive relationship that i was stuck in.
My 3ed boyfriend was a sweetie but then he started to get really controlling and he dumped me and I really happy about that because I was getting really pissed off with him.
So now I’m single and I’m gonna enjoy it.
But the cutting your probably wondering where does it come in, well I cut to release my pain with my boyfriends and school and the way people treated me at school cuz I am a “So-Called FREAK”, that’s how I was labeled through out my years in school by everyone, just for the way that I dress.
You see I am goth and goth people are known as “Social Outcast” and that what I am and I don’t care but it really upset me when I would get picked on and made fun of so I would go home and cut my arm and my body and burn myself too I used to love pretending that i would hang myself in my closet at my dads home.
When I lived at my adopted dads home my bedroom was in the basement , I loved my bedroom it was a place that I could go to, to get away from all the shit in my life I was really depressed and really messed up in the head. I had a mirror in my room that I smashed the shit out of and I had blood all over my floor I had pictures and writing all over my walls of the way that I felt about my life I even tried to kill myself lots of times but did not succeed.
I miss living at my adopted dads home but I know that If I go back there I’ll just get beat again and I don’t want that.
My adopted mums home well it was nice and still is I like it there cause that’s where I can be the little girl that I like to be where i’m happy and I can play with my dolls and stuff and I don’t dress goth and I’m just normal.
I liked it sometimes when i could try to be normal or try to be like how a normal little girl was ment to be like, cause I need the change too.
But my room at my adopted mums home was white with no pictures on the walls and no writing no holes and no blood. I had fairies and unicorns and dolls and well lets just say it was a dream come true to me. (Well I guess it would have been any and every little girls dream come true)
But now i’m 16 years old and i’m still cutting and I love it no one has told me to stop and I like that because all my friends know that cutting to me is a way to get out and it makes me happy beside the drugs too but cutting I don’t think that’s its bad I think that’s it can be a life saver because for me it has been and i’m so thankful for my razors.
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PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT WHAT YOU JUST FINISHED READING, was something that I had written many years ago back when I was 16 years old, and I had only written everything that I did because it was something that I had to do for a class project back when i was in High School attending Clayton Heights.
The project got to be on whatever subject that we wish to do ….. Mine just so happened to be all about “Death, Suicide and Self-Mutilation”, and i had picked those subject for my project due to that it had been something that I was going through and knew lots about on personal experience, plus also that my High School, that being Clayton Heights would always ignore anything that ever had anything to do with that stuff and any kid that showed the smallest signs of anything realted to suicide and self-harm they would end up kicking the kid out of the school but with myself my counceler would just say I was making everything up and that i did not need help anytime i went myself to try and get help when i thought that i really needed it.
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Now with all that being said and you finished reading it all, I should remind you you that right now i am 25 years old (the year now being 2015) and everything that you just read has not even been close to like half of the fucking goof bullshit that i’v now gone through in life and most likely will still have to go through as-well.
The following pages that will “Fall Down” from this page are going to be of some “Grouped Pages”, of my own poems about cutting and my struggle with cutting from over the years all the way up until now, this very day and continued in some what like of a journal, if i was to like really call it anything.
Also you will get to see some of my many different kinds art work that have to do with self-mutilation.
IF YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO DEALS WITH SELF-HARM, SELF-MUTILATION, CUTTING OR EVEN DEPRESSION ………. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME IF YOU WISH AND WOULD LIKE SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR EVEN TO JUST LISTEN TO SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO SAY, EVEN IF THAT SOMETHING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THE FOLLOWING YOU JUST READ ON THIS PAGE. ( I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE HAVING TO NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR EVEN LISTEN TO YOU AND JUST NOT HAVING ANYONE THERE)
Also for THOSE OF YOU, who DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND ANYTHING TO DO WITH SELF-HARM, SELF-MUTILATION AND CUTTING, I will be providing a full section for IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING EVERYTHING THAT YOU WOULD NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FOLLOW SUBJECTS;
– Self-harm (SH)
– deliberate self-harm (DSH)
– self-injury (SI)
– self-poisoning
– the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue
– suicidal intentions
– Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR)
range of behaviors including, but not limited to;
– burning
– scratching
– banging or hitting body parts
– interfering with wound healing (dermatillomania)
– hair-pulling (trichotillomania)
– the ingestion of toxic substances or objects
Behaviours associated with;
– substance abuse
– eating disorders
– borderline personality disorder
– depression
– anxiety disorders
– substance abuse
– post-traumatic stress disorder
– schizophrenia
– several personality disorders
– self-loathing
– low self-esteem
– perfectionism
– trauma
– abuse
– including emotional and sexual abuse
Along with these following too;
– Signs and symptoms
– Mental illness
– Psychological factors
– Drugs and alcohol
– Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
– International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems
By: Lauren Fanning / Bloody (MentalBloody)
Lauren Fanning / Bloody (MentalBloody) 