I ignore giant blinking signs right in front of me that say you’re bad news, and still I’m always shocked when the truth is finally exposed. Why? When I hear the first inconsistent story and see the first obvious indicator of impending malevolence, why don’t I just turn around and walk away? I always regret not trusting my initial assumptions and I’ll say, “I’ll never fall for that again.” or “I’ll never be so quick to trust someone.” But it’ll continue to happen over and over again. I’m not stupid. I’m not blind. And I’m not a fool. I may enter the room hopeful and admittedly ingenuous but you won’t be able to keep the windows shut forever. The truth always finds a way to slowly come in through the cracks.
I’ve felt incredibly lost this last month and all of a sudden I feel stronger, wiser and more sure of myself. I’m done ignoring the gaps in stories and lies that just don’t add up. I’m going to turn around, walk away and leave ten times stronger than I arrived. Although even with this realization and my declaration of emotional self-protection, sadly I know I’ll end up back here again, in this room with the windows shut. You’ll miss me when I’m not around because they always do. You’ll tell your friends how badly you regret taking me for granted, how you’ve learned your lesson. Except just like me, you’ll make this mistake again too. That’s just how the world works.
There are people like me, and then there are people like you. And your people always manage to find mine. You need people like me, who are too quick to forgive and turn a blind eye to obvious character flaws which are so painfully shallow, not even an ant could drown. You can see the weakness in our eyes and smell the loneliness on our skin. The second you come near us and feel the almost unbearable desire to be loved and needed, you latch on and begin intoxicating us until we’re too addicted to quit. She’s hooked, she’s feigning, and she would overlook any emotional despoilment just to chase that first rush of butterflies that won’t ever return. We’re a match made in Heaven, the best of friends and the most toxic of lovers. Together we’re the perfect example of unexplainable codependency.
Tell me, can you feel me detoxing from up on your pedestal? I’m concerned you’re egotism is far too loud these days. Is it hindering your ability to hear me recovering from this addiction, down here in this tiny room you have shrunk me into? Maybe next time you’ll make sure to lock the windows.
By: Lauren Fanning / Bloody (MentalBloody)